Tuesday, 22 October 2013

The Next Chapter



Ah, it feels like forever since I last wrote anything up on this blog, almost as though it was another lifetime ago, and not to go all Peter Andre on you, but I feel like I'm going to start with the next chapter of my life, rather than ruminating on the past and what has happened. 

So I suppose the biggest change I should mention is that I now have 2 munchkins in my life, lets just for the ease of things call them big munchkin and little munchkin. They are sweethearts and I guess at times somewhat trying but, hey, if anyone has kids that aren't then I don't want to meet them out of pure jealousy!! 

I'm feeling much better now, I don't do well when I'm pregnant AT ALL, in fact I turn into some sort of monster of the deep that has been dragged backwards through a hedge and all those other negative metaphors that I could probably pull out of my ****.  Somehow I'm much more alive and for the first time in ever such a long time I am probably what I consider to be contented and...happy? Happy seems appropriate. I'm in the final year of my degree, which can only be described as relieving, considering that I feel as though I've been studying towards it for centuries and my brain, although still utterly baby-fied is strating slowly to rejuvinate. 

But now little munchkin is awake and I need to go to bed, but I live in the deluded hope that it won't be too long before I post again.

Laura xx

Friday, 1 March 2013

Counselling Anxiety

It is as though the universe listened. After whinging yesterday on this very blog a couple of days ago I got an appointment for my very first therapy session this morning. Well, that was interesting. My therapist is one of these women who looks like a mother figure that is going to take you in her arms, cuddle you, and make everything ok, which only added to my anxiety. I could almost feel her spirit of 'LET ME HEAL YOU' overspilling through her comforting smile and understanding eye gaze. This only adds to my anxiety about the whole experience.

I talked, and she listened, and then I felt that all the things that I was talking about were somehow wrong or abstract, but I kept talking and she kept listening and I couldn't help thinking in my head that this wasn't and isn't helping and really you're just a stranger and why do you want to know any of this anyway, but I keep on talking. And then, after I finish talking she looks at me and talks to me and I get something...she understands. Someone, who i've just met, knows me off of a few tests and scores and statistical objectives actually understands what I'm talking about, and she makes me feel that the way I feel is completely justified and that I have a right to be sitting in front of her babbling like an insane loon.

But then she does something which is completely unexpected, she tries to do a relaxation exercise on me. Doesn't she know that I don't 'do' relaxation. So I'm sitting there, with my eyes closed and breathing and doing what she tells me and I just start crying, sobbing, tears rolling down my cheeks as I breathe in and out and think about colours. This is why I don't relax, this is why I am tightly wound and stay in control, because when I 'relax' I have to let go, which doesn't compliment my inner control freak who works so hard daily.

Now? I actually feel ok. I don't feel like the experience has made me feel worse, to my own suprise, and I somehow feel like a little piece that was dragging me down has been released into the atmosphere, and is no longer my problem.

Apparently it's a weekly experience I shall endure, but it did give me hope. Maybe....just maybe I will feel better one day, maybe I will be myself again. 

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Honestly...

So, my promised prompt post turned into over a month. I blame the baby brain, which has turned me for the most part into a complete blathering idiot. Baby brain has to be real, otherwise it turns out I'm just completely incompetent, for example turning up at the end of B's friend's birthday party at the end of the party and repeating 'BUT IT WAS STARTING AT 2PM WASN'T IT?' when it clearly wasn't as everyone else was preparing to exit the soft play. The mistakes have been piling up and if you see me on the roads, I would drive the opposite way, just for safety.

The trouble is though, that it's not just the baby brain that has struck me down again this pregnancy, it's also what I feared would come about, the same thing that happened in my first pregnancy, the hollowness and bleak shadow of misery has come around in the form of antenatal depression. It's hard to write about, because it's hard to explain the complete irrationality of it, just as with any form of depression it isn't something that you particularly want to talk about, write about, face head on or explore, I just want it to go away, preferably as swiftly and painlessly as possible. It's so easy to think that it's just hormones, which was my initial reaction when it started, the irritablity, the tears, the despair and uncertainty, that's just pregnancy...right? But it's not unfortunately. Some people I know actually enjoyed pregnancy, I find that it doesn't fit me at all, this is definitely no hand and glove situation and I cannot even begin to describe the frustration that I have over feeling this way again.

When I got depressed in my first pregnancy I thought that it was all circumstancial. I was only 19 and my lifestyle completely altered in the space of 1 minute watching those little lines appear on the test. I was terrified and felt isolated from everyone around me, whose favourite activity remained down the local pub, it seemed almost understandable to have some sort of reaction and I always justified it to myself. But now? Now things aren't so completely different. I'm excited to be having another baby, a sibling for B, another beautiful, precious person to love and cherish unconditionally, so why do I feel so bloody miserable? I try to control it, and I try to make sure it doesn't impact on B, but the worst part is that I just feel like a failure, the sense of guilt over what I feel is overwhelming and I go to bed every night just hoping that tomorrow is that day that I wake up feeling like myself again.

I'm 30 weeks pregnant, so not long left and when these hormones are gone I can but only pray that my self will return and this being that I am, will be gone and lost, hopefully for good. I'm keeping my head above water and battling this monster of self doubt, worry, guilt, misery and despair with all I've got, because I absolutely refuse to be dragged under.



Monday, 7 January 2013

Back on the interweb

I have very good reasons as to why I haven't blogged for months on end. But I have now found myself missing rambling on the interwebz too much to give in to anymore excuses as to why I can't and thus have returned. I won't bore you too much about the stress of the last few months, though at points I really did feel like my head would explode, but some big shifts have taken place and things in our family dynamic have changed. About this I feel mostly positive. I also discovered that...SHOCK HORROR, I'm pregnant again! 23 weeks pregnant to be precise and much to my suprise, it's a boy. The ultrasound conversation went very much like this:

Sonographer: It's a boy!!

Me: Are you sure?

S - zooms in very very close - 

Me: A boy?$^%%&^*$£"$£EW

The first thing that flashed through my head was the attic full of girls clothes which I now have to dispose of and replace with boy things, and I am a serious hoarder of baby things in my ever prepared-ness of 'I'll have another baby ONE DAY.' It just so happened that I always thought said baby would be another girl. Wrong, again. 

B has started nursery and much to my relief absolutely loves it. She is leaping and bounding towards big girl school next year which makes my heart burst with pride whilst also terrifying me that I will soon have a 4 year old. Gosh, where does the time go? 


I will return promptly with more posts that are less rushed, but for now just wanted to get something back on the page before I both shrivel into internet obscurity and lose my mind also without having somewhere to write.

Thursday, 16 August 2012

Butter Wouldn't Melt, Or Would It?

This is the look, the one that B manages to fool the world with. 'I'm so cute, innocent and pretty.' My arse. My little girl, although all of the aforementioned things, is also Trouble, emphasis on the capital T .

Our morning began with a rather rude awakening, the first I knew of it was a shout from my OH. Before I had even opened my eyes I managed to utter the words "B?! What has she done?" 

It turned out that for today's trick she had poured chocolate milkshake  all over the bed, and there it was, seeping through the sheet, into the mattress, just waiting to curdle and smell. Mmm. Plastic child -stopping  clips for the fridge have gone straight to the top of the shopping list.

What gets me though about the incident more than anything though is that when I asked B why she did it, she replied "it was a joke" , before breaking into a spell  of laughter. She now realizes that it wasn't funny. 


I do despair of her sometimes.

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Childhood

This post is extremely belated, but I am thrilled to be a part of this blog hop. I chose this picture of B because for me it epitomises everything that a childhood should be, full of smiles and games. My daughter is extremely lucky to be such a carefree little girl. She is spoilt rotten and has no concept of the harsh  realities of the world, which is exactly what I believe all children should have.

Many children are not that lucky. A fellow mummy blogger, Merry at Patch of Puddles, is raising awareness of the charity World Vision and I have kindly been tagged in this hop by Louise at A Strong Coffee to pass on the message.

Up until 30th August the charity are able to obtain matched funding by the DFID, so the government will double every pound you donate. If you are able to make a donation please follow this link to the Worldvision Website

As this is a blog hop raising awareness I am going to tag a couple of fellow new bloggers Blog My Baby   and Twin Mummy and Daddy to ask them if they will help spread the word.

Merry's post that explains it all can be read here http://www.patchofpuddles.co.uk/archives/8626/childhood