Friday, 1 March 2013

Counselling Anxiety

It is as though the universe listened. After whinging yesterday on this very blog a couple of days ago I got an appointment for my very first therapy session this morning. Well, that was interesting. My therapist is one of these women who looks like a mother figure that is going to take you in her arms, cuddle you, and make everything ok, which only added to my anxiety. I could almost feel her spirit of 'LET ME HEAL YOU' overspilling through her comforting smile and understanding eye gaze. This only adds to my anxiety about the whole experience.

I talked, and she listened, and then I felt that all the things that I was talking about were somehow wrong or abstract, but I kept talking and she kept listening and I couldn't help thinking in my head that this wasn't and isn't helping and really you're just a stranger and why do you want to know any of this anyway, but I keep on talking. And then, after I finish talking she looks at me and talks to me and I get something...she understands. Someone, who i've just met, knows me off of a few tests and scores and statistical objectives actually understands what I'm talking about, and she makes me feel that the way I feel is completely justified and that I have a right to be sitting in front of her babbling like an insane loon.

But then she does something which is completely unexpected, she tries to do a relaxation exercise on me. Doesn't she know that I don't 'do' relaxation. So I'm sitting there, with my eyes closed and breathing and doing what she tells me and I just start crying, sobbing, tears rolling down my cheeks as I breathe in and out and think about colours. This is why I don't relax, this is why I am tightly wound and stay in control, because when I 'relax' I have to let go, which doesn't compliment my inner control freak who works so hard daily.

Now? I actually feel ok. I don't feel like the experience has made me feel worse, to my own suprise, and I somehow feel like a little piece that was dragging me down has been released into the atmosphere, and is no longer my problem.

Apparently it's a weekly experience I shall endure, but it did give me hope. Maybe....just maybe I will feel better one day, maybe I will be myself again. 


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  3. Hope the counselling helps. I had it for anxiety too. :-)